(are the proverbs31woman devotional writers peeking in my windows???)
(& i'm sorry there are no pictures in this post --- blogger isn't letting me upload tonight either ......last night, no problem, night before & tonight, problem....????!!!!)
anyhow........this has been on my mind...................
i've been living with someone & he's not good for me. (i'll bet THAT got your attention!!!)
i need to kick him out. i keep trying, but he either won't go or he leaves for a short time & then comes back.
tuesday morning on the way to work i was talking to God about it. how i just can't take it anymore. tuesday night i was praying to God about it. telling Him i was having a really hard time with it. and it's christmas time now & that makes it worse.
part of me wants to let him stay until the new year - it's only 1 week away afterall. that would give me time to get all his junk out. the other part of me says, NO - GO & GO NOW!
and then i got up yesterday & he was still here. i heard something on the radio--someone has been praying for the same thing i've been praying for, only her prayer was answered very quickly after she started praying it & mine has still not been answered & it made me mad & jealous & envious & i wanted to yell at him & tell him i was sick of him (but suzanne & sarah were in the other room & i didn't want to cause a scene).
i got ready for work quickly & had time to turn on the computer. i specifically had an urge to read my p31w devotional before i got to work. (i usually don't turn the computer on in the morning at home.) i think that was God leading me.....
i read the first few lines & i knew she was talking about the man in my life.
the "man" in my life is Loneliness. he's with me all the time. i try really hard to hide him from others. i can be in a crowd of 4, 10, 25, or 100's of people & he's right there with me. just this past weekend after the christmas dinner at church i was driving home thinking about "him"--how i had just spent 4 hours with lots of people - people i love & who i'm sure love me (at least i hope so, but sometimes i wonder!!) - & felt like i was on an island all by myself. everyone "had" someone. everyone was talking to someone. i was busy. i had no one & wasn't really talking to anyone. oh, i talked to people, but it was empty talk. at least i felt that way. because "he" made me feel that way.
something a friend wrote in a birthday card to me this year actually made me cry. she wrote: "you always cheer me & everyone with your Godly sweet attitude - many times you're hurting inside, yet hide it well." i must have cried for 5 minutes after reading that, because it's true.
so this "man" has got to leave my life, leave my house, leave me, leave me alone!!!!! satan has got to realize that i belong to Jesus & there's no room for the 3 of us here!!! he's gonna try to stick around. he's gonna hang out outside my doors & windows & try to get in. but i've gotta trust Jesus & know that HE is stronger than him. i've gotta focus on God, but i'm still gonna continue to pray for what i've been praying for. look how long abraham waited for a son. look how long the israelites wandered in the wilderness. and there are many more examples of people who patiently waited for God to act. and God always did.
i just don't want to wait 40 years, God!
so loneliness needs to take a hike & take his friends "envy" & "jealousy" with him!!
here's the devotional, in case you want to read it...................
December 21, 2011
All By Myself
“My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.” Psalm 25:15-16 (NIV)
Don’t look his way, my heart and mind insist. I don’t want to look. Then again, I do. Though I did not check the “Plus One” box on my RSVP card, I wish I had. I wish I hadn’t come alone. Maybe then I wouldn’t gravitate to him.
He’s reckless and destructive. I know better, but he’s the only one who can relate to me. Even so, I avoid eye contact; I must trick him to believe she doesn’t need me anymore. I succeed, until another joined-at-the-hip couple walks into the holiday party. My resolve walks out. He walks up to me, extends a knowing hand. Fingers entwine, I fall in his snare. My stomach lurches. I hate him. I hate Loneliness.
I hate feeling alone and attending life all by myself. We float from couple to couple. Each marriage, baby, holiday, life-is-grand story runs together like mud. The mud Loneliness slings my way: You’ll never have this. You’ll be lonely forever. I can’t look at their joy. Instead I turn my eyes to him as I mutter repeatedly through my clinched jaw and cinched heart: Do. Not. Cry.
A deep breath holds back the lonely tears, the lonely years, the lonely fears.
His cruelty seeps in my pores as we make our way from conversation to conversation. Christmas carols in the background promise it’s the best time of the year and tell tales of sleigh rides taken with loved ones. Lovely sentiments, but they make me feel even more alone in a crowded room. How can two hours feel like thirty years?
By the time the clock chimes an acceptable hour to bid my goodbyes, I’m eager to be gone. One step out the door and I lower my guard too soon. Loneliness has saved his best for last. Powerfully, he beats me down with lies until I believe: I will always be all-by-myself.
Then Loneliness walks off; leaves me there, ironically, alone.
Compassionately, a different hand reaches down. One that is gentle and healing. Let me help you up. Rough night, huh? I look up to see His scared hand extended. How’d You know I was here? He tells me He’s been there the whole time, always near. And even though He knows, He asks for details, dreams, despairs. We talk until I can hear His assurances over the barrage of Loneliness’ discouragement.
Hollow parts of my heart fill with the lavish warmth of Jesus’ courage. Truth soldiers through my thoughts, throwing shields up against the deception. And I know Loneliness can’t be my “Plus One” – my go-to guy. I need to rely on my Only One – my Always Near.
It’s time to break-up with Loneliness for good. Not just at parties, during holidays or weekends with nothing planned. Because truth is, Loneliness also courts my friends who are married, have children and all that I long for. Loneliness tags along whether alone or surrounded by family and friends, on special days and ordinary days.
There’s only one way to keep Loneliness from being a constant companion in life. I must fix my eyes “ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare” of feeling alone. I need to invite Him to attend the lonely times with me, and hold my hand, keeping me company with the truth that He is always by my side.
And the next party I’m invited to? I won’t go all by myself. Instead I’ll invite the Lord as my “Plus One.”
Dear Lord, my eyes are ever on You, for only You will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
The next time you start feeling lonely, pray this prayer: “My eyes are ever on You LORD, for only You will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish.” Psalm 25:15-17 (NIV)
A teardrop on earth summons the King of Heaven. ~Charles Swindoll
Deuteronomy 31:8, “‘The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.’” (NIV 1984)
Lamentations 3:22-26, “Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.” (NIV 1984)
© 2011 by Samantha Reed. All rights reserved.