Thursday, July 26, 2012

another p31woman devotional written just for me, just for today

i didn't have time this morning to read my p31woman devotional before i went to work. i didn't have time at work to read it. i didn't have time before church tonight to read it.

i think God knew the proper time for me to read it.

AFTER i got home. after i got mad at myself & mad at Him. so that i could read it & feel guilty.

the title is "feeling guilty?"

saturday was our ladies' tea at church. everything was perfect! the decorations, the food, the people.....everything! it was my favorite tea since 2004!

everyone told me how wonderful it was. what a great job i did. i told them "it's not me, it's God. everything i do is because of Him. He's the one who made it beautiful." everyone's always telling me how talented i am & i tell them, "it's all God. He's the one who does it, not me. i can do it because of Him & it's for His glory."

this was the key verse to today's devotional:

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10 (NIV 1984) & Colossians 3:17, "And whatever you do in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." (NIV)

yup. that fits.

"miss amy" is a sweet little old 87 year old lady at our church. she's so encouraging to me, gives the best hugs, & loves pictures. i hate HATE to have my picture taken. saturday she insisted. i cringed but let her take some. tonight she had a whole big poster board full of pictures from the ladies' tea up on the bulletin board of the fellowship hall at church.

instead of looking at how beautiful everything & everyone was, i focused on me. sure, my tan looked good against my white outfit. the outfit that i thought i felt confident in. but tonight i just focused on how fat my butt looked in it. how i looked like i had the arms & shoulders & chest of a body builder --- not all trim & muscle-y, but huge! i focused on comparing my butt to other people's. focused on comparing how my shoulders & arms go waaaay out while "hers & hers fall down straight & make her look skinny on top." i focused on how "she sits there looking so sweet" & i look like i'm scowling......when i'm really NOT! i'm trying to look sweet too, but it just doesn't come across that way.

i wanted to tear those pictures down off the wall.

but i can't do that.

so i walked out to my car with my self-esteem crumbling, my head hanging. so i headed home. alone. & lonely. & defeated. i just wanted to drive west til my car fell off the side of california right into the ocean. i let satan get the best of me tonight. i beat myself up the whole way home. i criticized myself. "no wonder no one loves you & you're all alone & look disgusting. you'll never be happy, you'll always be lonely....." i practically begged God to let me die. & tried to justify it with "i'll be happy if i'm with You." and then satan got a word in, "God doesn't even want you." by the time i got home i was in tears.

these posters are by my garage door----they're there to remind me that only God can fill my loneliness.

satan wasn't done. as i walked through the door i said, "well, here i am. home. alone. fat & ugly & lonely."

i'll bet he was having a ball! i wish i would have slammed the door on him!

then i turned on the computer & opened my emails & there was the p31woman devotional.

"feeling guilty?"

yup. i need to be listening to God, not satan. because HE loves me. & He's here with me so i needn't be lonely. and He made me.

from the devotional:

"Dear Lord, You made me in Your image and that is something I seem to forget daily. Please help me remember to celebrate and live in who You made me to be and not in what I wish I was. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Psalm 139:13-14, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." (NIV)"

i KNOW this. but why is it so hard to BELIEVE it??

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Darlin-the only one looking bad in those pictures was me--and that is because when we look at ourselves we see the flaws programmed into us from childhood--we must be thin, have the right clothes, makeup, jewelry and the perfect dental smile. The world has tried to destroy us through ourselves. Everyone ELSE looks great! You know why? We are not looking at what they LOOK like, but the PEOPLE and the HEARTS we see when we look at others. No one would describe you unless they used terms like organized, helpful, friendly, cheerful, giving, loving, generous, clever, awesome, creative...need i go on? Remember that when God looked at Saul (King-OT) He did not comment on what he looked like (the people did) but God knew what KIND OF KING Saul would be.... and what God wanted was a shepherd boy who, by other's views, was quite UNremarkable. Even when we read of JESUS CHRIST we do not have a long list of His physical traits--Isaiah tells us He was comly--meaning He was just a guy--not a Sam Elliot--just a regular guy that we would not be attracted to by the OUTside but by WHO HE WAS. AND IS. OUR SAVIOR.
I am sorry that I didn't give you a (((HUG))) last night cause you are BEAUTIFUL. Have a great weekend with your daughter. nb